Reflection

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Titus Tallang

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Retired Director
Retired Director

Post 2019.01.12 22:55

Reflection

Alright, so - I just looked this up, and apparently, according to the Wiki, I was promoted to purple text on 16th of January 2015.

That's four years ago, almost to the day. For almost four years, there's been a feeling of responsibility constantly in the back of my head. Now, I've enjoyed that feeling immensely. Without meaning to brag, I've always taken - and still take - great pride in being pretty damn good at my job.

However, that feeling of responsibility comes with a dark side: mental strain. That constant nagging feeling that spaceship stuff might be on fire right now, and what if I'm the one not checking Slack and that's why everything goes to shit? Now, for the longest time, again, I didn't mind that. To a certain degree, I even enjoyed it. It makes you feel needed, which is one hell of a morale boost.

Ever since I moved to being directly in charge of Special Projects a year and change ago, that feeling has gotten more and more oppressive, in retrospect. Being directly responsible for a few hundred folks' internet spaceship livelihoods will do that to you, I suppose. Instead of wanting to check Slack all the time, I felt like I had to check Slack all the time. I would wake up, and be on my phone within 10 minutes making sure stuff wasn't on fire. Before going to bed, the last thing I'd do would be checking in to make sure stuff still wasn't on fire.

Things came to a bit of a head over the Christmas break. I was supposed to be relaxing a bit, really. But instead, I had a stack of midterms on my desk, I had more work I had foolishly committed myself to, I had projects to work on for Uni.... and spaceships, too. They still weren't on fire, luckily.

A week ago, my Christmas break ended. I didn't feel even a little bit relaxed, but none of my work had gotten done either. Now, I'd tried to get myself to do it, sure. I'd sat myself down like a good little grown-up is supposed to, and told myself I'd get my work sorted now. And yet, I didn't get any of it done. Not even a tiny sliver of it. Then, I stumbled across this article by random chance, and things started to click. Yeah, that sounded one hell of a lot like what I'd been noticing happen to me for the last two years, give or take. Some intense reflection followed over the next days.

We all have this beautiful illusion in our heads, right? The one where, past all of our personal self-inflicted imperfections, we're all well-oiled rational machines that can always function the way it's expected of us. If we just toughen up a bit, we can give a little bit more, and that way we won't have to let everyone else down, hm?
I had to come, quite harshly, to the realization that, at least when it comes to myself, that is quite demonstrably not the case. After placing myself under considerable and constant strain, from my first waking minutes to before I went to bed, for years, the cogs were starting to give. By Sunday night, I had come to the conclusion that something had to be changed, forcefully.

It's quite a painful conclusion, that one. As I mentioned in the introduction, I've been at this for four years. This job has grown to be a part of me. Even more importantly, I didn't want to let anyone down. As I may have said before, I do like to think that I'm pretty damn good at what I do, after years of making mistakes and watching other people make mistakes. I thought a little bit about Frood that night, too. The veterans among you might remember him. I didn't want that to happen to me too.

So, on Monday, I submitted my resignation to Laura, effective the 13th. Having to have that conversation hurt more than I can put into words, here. At the least, not without rambling on even more than I already have.

By the time you're reading this, it's might already be Sunday, and I won't be your Director of Special Projects anymore. It's been one hell of a ride. I enjoyed every last second of it.

Who knows, maybe I'll get to actually see you in space again, someday, when I feel like I want to, not like I have to. That might feel really good, actually.

Stay fluffy, my little scrubs. I've always adored all of you.

Titus, out.
Last edited by Titus Tallang on 2019.01.12 23:47, edited 1 time in total.
Scientia potentia est.
If a statement I made seems offensive to you, please be assured that this was not my intent.
If I am mistaken about something, please tell me about it. We improve through sharing knowledge.
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Professor Academiac

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Member
Member

Post 2019.01.12 23:09

Re: Reflection

Thanks Titus, all the best.
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Dallidiem Igraine

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Assistant Personnel Manager
Assistant Personnel Manager

Post 2019.01.12 23:33

Re: Reflection

Thanks Titus for all you've done. Hard to think of WHC without your everpresent oversight when you wake up, when you go to sleep and when youre conscious in between. But I don't want so goodbye. Instead, I'll say ..See you in space!
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Assistant Personnel Manager
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Ersin Oghuz

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Member
Member

Post 2019.01.12 23:45

Re: Reflection

Hey there.
First thing first, even though we have some up and downs in our interaction, and we may have different views on some subjects, I want to thank you for your big support for me and everything you have done for EUNI so far. It was not an easy task that you had and you did it for long time. Thanks.
And I hope that you will be more relaxed soon and concantrate on what you want. This is a very good game and this corp is very good community so sometimes we tens to forget life :) I wish you the best and looking forward to collect your corpse since you will have more time to undock. :)
PS : I hope I did not give you much stress
"In Blasters I Trust"


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LeFleur

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Member
Member

Post 2019.01.13 00:09

Re: Reflection

Thanks for all the help you gave us when starting the the HSG that later on developed into the HSC. I know first hand how the responsibility can get to you and the stress piles up until you feel kind of frozen and start failing and try to pick it up, generating more stress that makes you fail even harder, in a neverending downward spiral that would look beautiful for tackling approach.


Best of luck.
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Brookie Achasse

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Member
Member

Post 2019.01.13 00:13

Re: Reflection

Much respect Titus, I hope I'll see you in space again soon. Xxx
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Nelliver Cadigal

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Member
Member

Post 2019.01.13 00:19

Re: Reflection

Thanks for your service. I hope you can enjoy Eve a bit more relaxed now! :)
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Drault Sarn

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Member
Member

Post 2019.01.13 00:21

Re: Reflection

tY very much :) have happy retirement
[url=http://killfeed.eveuniversity.org?a=pilot_detail&plt_id=237998]
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Bob Maths

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Member
Member

Post 2019.01.13 00:26

Re: Reflection

Thanks Titus, even though I've never been around at all ever for a long time. I feel that it's a pleasure to have known you as the Director of Education, Director of Special Projects and having flown with you. I can really understand what you're saying but hope to see you in the future. I've definitely benefited from having flown with you whenever that's been.
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Laura Karpinski

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Chief Executive Officer
Chief Executive Officer

Post 2019.01.13 01:02

Re: Reflection

Thanks for everything, Titus. It's been a pleasure. And sometimes a bit of a pain. But definitely a pleasure too. I'll miss you.
CEO of EVE University
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Graysen Slade

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Member
Member

Post 2019.01.13 01:03

Re: Reflection

I don't know you on any kind of level at all, but I have every reason to believe that many of the aspects I enjoy taking part in the University are a result of many of your efforts over the years. I therefore thank you for helping the Uni become what it is today and wish you the best in all your endeavors going forward. Hope to see you around the campuses. Fly safe. o7 :D :(
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Rayanth

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Member
Member

Post 2019.01.13 01:39

Re: Reflection

I'm still quite new to the corp, and i'm not sure if I've directly benefited from anything you've worked on or not (my fault, for not really looking into things) - but still I thank you for your dedication, and Salute you in your next journey.

Letting go of something that has become a part of us - especially something we feel others rely upon - is extremely hard. The sense of responsibility is one of the hardest to ignore, and that fear of letting others down can be absolutely miserable. I wentthrough all of this myself just a year and a half ago, when I finally came to the conclusion that a very intense programming project that I had created and, honestly, had gotten really far in but was coming up against some serious walls, was just not interesting to me anymore. The only reason I'd kept going was because others were counting on me finishing it. Giving it up felt like I had abjectly failed everyone that had an interest in it. So that's a long-winded way of saying: I understand. And I'm really glad you realized what you needed to do before it was too late, or got worse.

Fly safe in your journeys, and I hope we can see you again in a stress-free future.

O7
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Exorcist Wraith

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Campus Manager
Campus Manager

Post 2019.01.13 02:01

Re: Reflection

Thanks Titus, hopefully you will enjoy EVE as a game soon!
Solitude Campus Manager

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Dominic Altol

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Member
Member

Post 2019.01.13 02:14

Re: Reflection

So long and thanks for all the fish. :lol:
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Marn Vermuldir

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Assistant Personnel Manager
Assistant Personnel Manager

Post 2019.01.13 02:20

Re: Reflection

Thank you for your years of service Titus! Hope you enjoy your future endeavors!
Assistant Personnel Manager
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